In Pregnancy Limbo

So this is what we've been waiting for, and waiting for and interestingly enough are still...waiting for.  Pregnancy through IVF and gestational surrogacy should come with a disclaimer about the amount of time each individual will dedicate to waiting, thinking about waiting and losing sleep while waiting for the next big event.  There's this feeling of restraint to want to celebrate, start planning and just plain relax for a moment; but we can't...not just yet.  I have been fortunate enough to carry two of my children so I have this special insider, outsider seat while witnessing this pregnancy.  At this point in my pregnancies I was just confirming or about to confirm a positive pregnancy test around week 6.  Today I woke up and the first thing I did was look at my newly downloaded pregnancy widget to read about what week 6 pregnancy development will bring and to visualize a pomegranate seed (that's how big he is!)  ;)  The beauty and the beast in IVF is waiting and anticipating every step.  From the very beginning everything is so controlled, we are fully aware of each and every step and you can spend hours thrown into reading about each step, just to pass the time to get to the next milestone.  If I'm muddy in my explanation, maybe I should just get to my train of thought.

Each time Bridget posts a blog I am immediately humbled by her patience and kind heart while enduring all of these terrible pregnancy side effects solely to benefit our family.  Not only is she doing this for our family, she is doing it and I am not.  I remember how miserable morning sickness was and being so tired I just wanted to take five.  On top of those pregnancy woes, add relentless nightly progesterone injections that will remind you that they've been there for months to come.  This woman, Bridget, is so much more than our gestational carrier, she is truly a warrior.  For a minute...pregnancy Goddess aside, Bridget is also a wife, to her husband Shawn, who works rotational shifts in North Dakota (they live in Boise) so she holds down the household many nights alone.  A household that consists of 3 of their own children, Jackson, Rylee and Austin who all keep her running in different directions at any given time.  She is also a professional, who has dedicated her career to a field that she is passionate about and cares deeply for, she is a Hospice nurse.  Bridget truly is a Super Woman.  So we have Super Woman carrying our baby...which is pretty cool.  She is doing all of these amazing things, while having to live with the side effects of the medications needed for our pregnancy and the symptoms caused by the pregnancy. 

A state over for me and across the world for Cody, not much has changed in our day to day lives.  I'm still kept busy with Jaiden and Olivia's school and sports.  Cody is still working hard and away from home.  The most discomfort I've had lately are signs of aging and a sinus infection.  So when Bridget blogs about her discomforts I am stopped short in my tracks.  In our day to day, we do not have the opportunity or ability to see the less than glamorous aspects of what it takes to make our pregnancy a success.  There's a little discontent that sits with me regarding that and it's a daily thought and struggle I wrestle with.  It just doesn't seem fair that Bridget has to deal with all of this discomfort and we have none, emotions aside.  So my long winded point is, the waiting part as an intended parent (That's Cody and I!) is also something I wasn't prepared for.  I don't have the pregnancy side effects, I don't have the knots in my butt from giving myself progesterone injections every day and I don't have anything to remind me, except for myself and occasionally those of you who reach out with hugs and kind words, that we are; in fact, pregnant.  What we have is a lot of time between each milestone appointment on our Fertility Calendar to analyze every little thing that isn't right in front of our face every day.  These countdowns are brutal...AND I wish I could take all of Bridget's pain and morning sickness away.

My previous thoughts on Bridget's discomfort came full circle in a late night text tonight:

B: My injection tonight only involved me saying the F word about 9 times. My butt is getting so sore. And it's got some big knots and it sucks to push the needle through these knots.

Me: OH NO!!!!!!!!!! I hate that. I wish you didn't have to do these stupid injections. On top of just being pregnant, it makes it 1000x worse. :(

Does laying on a heating pad eating Stroop Waffles help? ;)

Because I can send more!

It is so hard to fall asleep at night knowing that she is going to sleep in pain.  I can't keep sending sweet treats to make her feel better, so I hope we can finish these medications ASAP and put this part of the pregnancy behind us before she's in a sugar coma!  Any kind words that you have for Bridget, please don't hesitate to offer her, she deserves every single one!

6 MORE DAYS UNTIL OUR HEARTBEAT ULTRASOUND! 

This is our current countdown.  The girls and I will be heading to Boise next Tuesday morning.  They are very excited to meet Bridget's family and be at the first ultrasound with me.  I wanted to bring them along since Cody will still be at work and not able to physically be there.  We are hoping to have good enough Wi-Fi during our appointment which is 8:30 am our time and 12:30 am the following morning in PNG to be able to Skype with Cody so he doesn't miss it entirely.  I visualize that little heart beating every single night.  I love trying to guess the numbers for each visit.  I did it with all of the beta's Bridget had too, ask her, she thinks I'm crazy!  :)  She even says, "I love your random numbers you choose!"  Which means, Erin, you're crazy!  At our 3rd beta I guessed her level would be 1582 based on her 9 day post 5 day transfer beta being 201.  Her level was 1587!  Not tooooo bad.  It's easy to guess great values when your surrogate is Super Woman.  Our next milestone that we are waiting for (*sigh*) is our 7 week heartbeat confirmation ultrasound.  Each new week comes around on Wednesday's- so this last Wednesday we were 6 weeks pregnant, next Wednesday and our ultrasound day we will be 7 weeks pregnant and for all of those who haven't recently spent hours looking at every new fetal development and visualizing it's size by comparing it to a small seed or nut- what we hope to see is a fast fluttering heart inside something say, the size of a blueberry.   My guess is... 167 beats per minute. ;)

Cheers!
xo
Erin