Inhale, Exhale, Inhale, Exhale...

So I am a worrier.  This is one thing I do well.  I have to plan, pre-plan and pre-pre-plan to feel comfortable going forward.  I hate surprises, please don't surprise me; I mean that.  There have been countless nights I've laid awake and worried, times when my pre-pre planning has fell through and surprises that caught me off guard.  On the eve before we leave for Seattle for our embryo transfer I can not help but be overwhelmed with emotions, anxiety and the inevitable fear of the unknown, going forward.  I've taken on the mindset of not allowing any negative thoughts about our upcoming transfer and I've done well.  But lets face it, I'm human.  Even the strongest of minds must entertain the notions of "What If".  I've struggled with facing these thoughts and essentially put them on the back burner.  Maybe sharing these all too real feelings will bring some relief to the adrenaline pumping through my body and the breath it is stealing from me.

Shortly after Cody came home from work I had my first nightmare about our journey.  Quite astonishing to me because I usually do not remember my dreams and I can only count on one hand the times in my life I actually wake up feeling my dream was reality.  None the less, I dreamt that our transfer was unsuccessful.  ****Side Note****I'm writing this blog post in the middle of a HUGE lightening storm, WEIRD?!  In my dream, Cody and I didn't accompany Bridget to our transfer in Seattle and I received a text from her saying that we were not pregnant.  I woke up, Cody was lying next to me and I went to our bathroom and sat in there and cried.  I then got up, grabbed my phone to reread my texts as I often do, and there was not a single text from Bridget about a failed transfer.  Because it was in fact a dream!  I didn't share this with Cody for a few days because I was still trying to practice not letting negative thoughts into my mind.  But I realized, this is all a part of our journey.  There's no guarantee that our transfer will be successful, on a larger note, there's no guarantees in our lives that we even have tomorrow.  Even as I write this now, Cody sat beside me, cheers'ed making our baby and said "We love this, you LOVE rain!  I LOVE lightening storms!  This is a good thing."  It's all about perspective- there's beauty in all things, every situation.  Ours is a little different than the normal, but exhilarating and occupying in every sense. 

We have very little control over how things will progress after our Seattle trip, but I do know for certain we have pretty amazing things happening for us.  We have Bridget who is surpassing expectations on a weekly, daily and hourly basis.  She has done exceptional preparing for OUR transfer and has aligned herself perfectly.  Cody has done his part- if you ever get the chance someday and you want to laugh, ask him about "his part".  :)  And I've done a pretty good job paying our bills, coordinating and managing this blog!  All in all, we are ready, actually we were ready the moment we read our email from Bridget that said, "Let's make you your baby!"  Yet...I still can't catch my breath.

Maybe, I can't breathe because I've never felt so strongly about wanting something and that something being only the feeling of love in our hearts at this moment.  Love that we want reflected of ourselves in our baby.  We have so many positive things on our side and I can not wait to hear what tomorrow brings.  Today we heard from our nurse coordinator Leigh, that of our 7 oocytes that thawed, 6 survived and all fertilized.  Tomorrow we find out how well they are doing and whether we transfer on day 3 (Saturday) or day 5 (Monday) when they are blastocysts.  I know that's confusing and there's a learning curve when speaking IVF and surrogacy, but basically the Endocrinologist watches the cells over a 48 hour period of time and decides if it's better to transfer the strongest embryo at day 3 or after growing a little more at day 5.  We will be on board and excited for either!  Stay tuned for news tomorrow!

Ending thoughts, I'm inevitably going to be nervous and worried even though we are solid and only have positive happenings on our side up until this point.  I wouldn't be human or a good mother if my concern wasn't to protect my family, their hearts and our feelings.  I believe, that's my mantra, our mantra and now more than ever, all of your thoughts, prayers and kind words are carrying me. 

I asked Bridget tonight what I should expect to happen on Transfer Day, she replied, "To get pregnant!"  Yes...That is what we expect.  Simple.

xoxo

Erin